I guess you could say it started with the attempt at hiking Flagstaff Mountain in Tamworth, a 5km round trip from the top of Oxley Lookout. Except it did start awhile before that.
The end of last year (and most of this one!) was hectic for me.
Tamworth had been working its way into my heart since Country Music 2020, and perhaps even before then. It wormed its way down and out, resulting in a job offer to work for Scripture Union in the North West of all places.
October saw me serving at a leadership conference with my future boss, the purchase of my first car, resigning from my much loved church office job.
November saw my start with SU, taking on afternoon oosh shifts at home when I could get them (afternoon so I'd have enough space for driving time), covering two days of chaplaincy in the north west region, travelling back and forth from Tamworth to home several times a week, finalising work with my parents and the office, handing over leading a bible study.
December saw preparation for Christmas carols at my home church, the start of packing up my belongings, resigning from oosh, spending as much time as I could with my Maitland crew.
January saw a Kempsey mission day trip, a week long camp close to the QLD border, more travel between Tamworth and home, last days at my youth group and church, a second part time north west job offer.
The first of February saw my official move out of home, renting with a friend. I was so excited to do so well at everything I'd believed God had called me to. The timing of all the above was so perfect, the seamless transitions from job to job, the purchase of a car, the provision of a place to stay, the experiences I got in between, the support networks either side of me.
I got involved straight away! Started working my second job, attending morning church regularly, found a night church too and several bible studies, I signed up for Toastmasters and was doing that fortnightly, meeting people, planning catchups, making trips. I was working as hard as I could, and long hours, trying to work out what my roles were and achieve, achieve, achieve.
House sitting opportunities arose and I took them one by one, so excited to work out how to live by myself! Food and sleep didn't seem quite so important as everything else I was needing to do. Until it started to affect my health. I'd gotten sick and started to feel fatigued, along with aching in my heart, for which I had to go to the doctors and be monitored for a day. I realised after a visit from my sister, when I saw how she looked at me, the stupid way I was trying to manage my life, living to the whim of any task, meeting, study, moment, phone call, without much of a care for my mental, emotional and physical (and spiritual!!) health. This brought me to a very tough decision of resigning from one of my jobs. I was just hanging on and so grateful for my friend's steady presence who was staying with me at the time. I'd berated myself, saying I'd held down 4 jobs at once before, why was this so different?? Everyone kept telling me that it was because it's ministry. And I could feel it ripping at me, being torn in two directions between the responsibilities of both of these amazing roles. I was often in tears on the phone to Mum and Dad. Missing home. Missing my family. Missing my friends, my crew, my bible study, my community, my church, my bed, my region, my life at home. Falling apart.
"the only days when I'm not stressed are days I work myself to death and I'm too tired to feel anything else..."
Shouldn't this be easy? Other people have coped with more. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep a stiff upper lip and do well? Surely if I was stronger, I could manage. But as I said, I had to resign from one position and so I stayed with SU. I wish there hadn't been a choice. It made me question everything I'd heard from God up until now. What if I'd heard wrong? What if this wasn't where He wanted me? What if I'd got it all wrong? Why would God lead me to a job I couldn't handle? And a question my sister asked me still haunts me: "What if God called you there to "fail"?" What do you do with that? I couldn't cope and I was ashamed to admit that it was all too hard.
I guess this is the context for some of the thoughts I'll put below each of the photos leading up to today.
I don't know if you've ever known what it is like to not feel strong in your mind, emotions, spirit. Well, I was jack of it all and decided to go and do something I knew I could. I woke up one morning in a foggy, dehydrated headspace and needed to get out, so I took a small bottle of water, chucked my boots on, no hat, and decided to hike to the top of Flagstaff Mountain. It was hot. I figured since it was only 2.5kms to the top, I could afford to check out all the side trails. By the time I made it some of the way, I was out of water, and knew I'd only have just enough to get back down if I turned around now. I was 200m from the top, but I knew my body and my mind weren't strong enough to get there, so I embarrassingly, and ashamedly, turned around and made it back to the car. Fail.
I'd planned trips with friends afterwards where it'd turn out the weather would obscure the views from the mountain tops, which drove me to write a poem this week as I reflected back on it, kinda self explanatory of how I'd been feeling, knowing you've changed but never seeing it, knowing you've climbed mountains but you never get to see the view because of the damn clouds and was the struggle really worth it?? Fail.
Am I doomed to know I climbed this mountain
But never see the view?
I’m old enough to plan adventures
And teach myself the truth,
But no one said the mountain tops
Would obscure how far you’ve come;
No one said you’d feel like crying
When all the hard work is done;
As it’s still raining from the hurt,
You’re still reeling from the pain;
And all you see is fog and clouds
Not any growth you’ve gained.
Sometimes the valley is easier:
There’s not as far to fall -
And sometimes when you’ve reached the top,
You’ll find it wasn’t what it was cracked up to be at all.
So all I want is to sit awhile.
And await the sun’s return.
I want to rest in the grace I’ve been given
Not anything I’ve earned.
I love Oxley Lookout. I guess it reminds me of what I'm here for. That the world is bigger than just me. So I need to be a willing vessel for bigger things to come to pass. And it also reminded me of the mountain that I failed to climb because I was weak. Fail.
The hikes and camping trips in between the weekends I wasn't working or at home were a Godsend. There on a hike, in the mountain air, or in the valley alongside the rivers, I could breathe. I could believe I was ok again and that I wasn't alone. That there was more to life then feeling like you were constantly drowning in everything that you're not.
My sister and I visited good friends in Glen Innes. And they asked me, what are the three major things that cause stress in someone's life? 1. Moving, 2. Marriage, 3. Changing jobs. I'd done 2/3. It never occurred to me the amount of legitimate stress, angst, loneliness, fear, and physical illness it could cause. I had one of the worst nights of sleep that night, but ever since I have been so much better. These friends provide such wise perspective on situations than I have ever known. And I am so grateful for their advice, care, consideration and friendship.
The night of my sister's 18-19th. The week following this night was as hectic as they come. I was run off my feet, still not having "had time" to make any healthy changes in how I'd been living, and when the week of ministry was over, I crashed. I numbly made it back to Tamworth the following week to drop in at another ministry event and did a bit of followup work on the back of school holidays, but recovery was long. And has been long. It is only now that I am feeling up to the task, to be honest.
The snow. Fifteen of us went to Perisher during the first week of August, and it has been one of the best times of my life. My heart aches. But a good ache this time, from how much goodness was in that week. Getting lost on top of a mountain by myself in a snow storm on the afternoon of my 24th birthday was one of the best things that happened on that trip. I was so alone in that white, white place. But I had peace in my heart that I hadn't held for a long while. God was with me. The wind whipped my jacket. Complete strangers helped me find my way. My mind was the quietest it had ever been. And my skis took me home.
Morpeth River holds such fond memories for me now. Where I discovered I'm not a strong swimmer or a good golfer, but I can climb trees and bike ride! Where I saw clearly that who I am hasn't stopped the people I love from loving me. The arrival of spring and happiness.
I journaled the last two months sitting here on a park picnic table undercover from the rain, for hours on a Saturday afternoon after getting back to Tamworth for the first time in a long while. There was so much to catchup on.
I thought about writing all this down, simply because I did the hike again today. I made it to the top! I went prepared with water, snacks, books, hydralite, hiking boots, hat, and a different perspective and mindset. I saw some friends on the trail. I saw beautiful flowers and the sunshine and blue sky. I saw frill necked lizards, magpies, places to pause and catch my breath. It wasn't the most breathtaking view from the top, but it was enough. I was able to see out the other side of Tamworth, feel the breeze on my soaked skin and read awhile. I'd done it. And it's nice to feel so much better.
Some things I think I've learned...
1. God can use the oddest things. I'm one of them. I still fail a lot. But maybe failure isn't the end of the world. At least, I'm learning not to see it as that.
2. If you believe you can do it all on your own, you'll soon start trying for all the side trails and fall short of the peak of the mountain, where God wanted you in the first place. Human strength can't compete unfortunately.
3. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you are alone.
4. The views don't matter as much as your heart in the journey.
5. Happiness is fleeting, enjoy it while it lasts, but don't lose your joy when you come down from the high.
6. Rain and writing are both very good things.
7. Find people who will tell you the truth and learn to listen.
8. Grace can't be earned, and that's why it's so hard to accept with humility.
Out of everything that has been, one of the lines I shall quote from my journal: "Don't let me wander, don't let me face the darkness alone, I just want You to be with me."
And for that I am grateful - that You are here with me. <3
4/10/21
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