15/08/16 - #laterblogpost
As I journey through failure...
As I journey through failure...
I failed to consider and love someone.
I jack up at the smallest detail that shouldn't be an issue and decide to clam up the rest of the night and internally scold myself.
I failed again by irrationally overreacting.
Situations escalate to the point of ridiculous. I could have done something about it. But I didn't. So the Word spoken at the dinner table, then gets taken and beat against my head, leaving me black and blue with another failure.
It's like a knife, twisting inside of me, saying with each throb of pain: failure, failure, failure.
In the things I say, in the things I do.
But God can use a stuttering tongue and a fearful heart.
I just need to have the courage to do it scared.
Anytime where I think I could've done better but for whatever reason, didn't, is what I consider failure.
I can always do better.
So I'm always frustrated when I don't.
I don't do the things I want to do and I do the things I detest (Romans). But that's not the normal Christians life!
Why does it take so long?
I'll always be dissatisfied with my own human efforts.
I wonder if everyone's biggest fear is failure.
It looms like a gigantic mountain. One that I attempt to scale and overcome but fall again to the bottom, to blindly climb again with a wounded spirit.
Doesn't it say that we should have the faith to say to a mountain be removed and be cast into the sea?
Wouldn't having faith instead of persisting with the human effort of trying again and again to scale an impossible mountain save me from guilt, fear, self-condemnation?
"Oh ye of little faith, why are you so afraid?" - Matthew 8:26
"Where is your faith?" - Luke 8:25
Then there is the other kind of failure. Where I do the thing, but trip and fall flat on my face, knowing I could have done better, stumbling over my pride.
Which do you think is better: failure in the boat or failure on the water?
I need to be motivated by something bigger than my fear of failure: the love of God.
Anything I do should be from the motivation of love.
How do I get to that place?
When all of me is uprooted. When I am the one on the altar.
My own selfishness. My own pride. My own fear. My own comfort zone.
Which do you think is better: failure in the boat or failure on the water?
I need to be motivated by something bigger than my fear of failure: the love of God.
Anything I do should be from the motivation of love.
How do I get to that place?
When all of me is uprooted. When I am the one on the altar.
My own selfishness. My own pride. My own fear. My own comfort zone.
It is a constant sacrifice, to let self die and let Love grow, to learn to love well and lay down my own life for my brother's. Never withholding.
This is my only reasonable service.
This is my only reasonable service.
It is every choice I make in the every day. And finally, I'm not defined by my own shortcomings, mistakes and failures, but by His love for me...
I can't lose if I keep learning.
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service."
- Romans 12:1
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